MANCHESTER, NH -- Renowned gravitologists Jeff and Ann VanderMeer have discovered a strangely focused gravitational force in southern New Hampshire -- a force that has prevented them from returning to their home state of Florida.
Ann VanderMeer said, "As far as we can tell, this gravitational force only affects us, though it's possible many other people are affected, and we are simply too gravitized to be able to communicate with them."
The VanderMeers discovered the force on Sunday, June 25, when they first tried to leave New Hampshire. "At that time," Jeff VanderMeer explained, "we believed the crossing of our personal gravitations with those of Eric Schaller, who was flying back to New Hampshire from Ames, Iowa, prevented our return to Florida, but that hypothesis has subsequently been contradicted by further events. We met Dr. Schaller at the Manchester airport so that we could study him in his native environment, and we discovered that his gravitational forces had only been slightly alterred by his time away, and they did not interfere with ours at all. Nonetheless, his tales of gaseous emissions supported previous evidence that Ames, Iowa has some pretty strange gravity."
Asked about their current hypothesis for their gravitational misfortunes, Ann VanderMeer said, "We expect it's a unique and coincidental convergence of forces that include, but are not limited to, one-way streets in Manchester, Matt Cheney's cat, and surprisingly effective but ostensibly insipid ways of choosing World Cup Soccer teams to root for."
"Nonetheless," Jeff VanderMeer said, "we have enjoyed being marooned in Manchester, because it has allowed us to indulge one of our other passions, which is the study of puppetry. We had no idea the puppet shows in Manchester are so varied and unique. The material we have collected here will allow us to extend our renown from the field of gravitology to the field of puppetology. We could not believe what folk singers accomplished with sock puppets. Amazing!"
The VanderMeers continue to study the gravitational forces affecting them, and hope to escape back home to Florida in the near future, or at least before the 2008 presidential primary season begins. In the meantime, care packages and hate mail can be sent to the New Hampshire State Hospital for the Gravitationally Challenged, where the VanderMeers are currently conducting their research.